We live for the applause of nail-scarred hands.I admit to you that this blog post comes from a very sensitive area of deep pain for me. For much of my life, I have felt that I was not good enough, not worthy to be called into ministry for the Lord.
We long to hear, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.'"
If: Trading Your If Only Regrets for God's What If Possibilities, page 99
As a teenager, I found myself intrigued by this idea of a call from God. I'd go to summer church camp every year and hear testimonies from my young peers about being called to be a pastor, being called into missions. I wanted that, but I also knew that it wasn't "in me," somehow. Later, as I attended a Christian liberal arts college, I'd see students of Biblical Studies who knew that they were pursuing a call of God, while I just floundered around, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. The pieces never did fit properly.
I wanted a calling.
It is not that I never sought God's will for my life. I did, and I did often. I just never seemed to hear from Him. To this day, I have a lot of questions about that, but as my life zig-zagged until I landed in my present circumstance, I grew convinced that the greatest thing I could do for my own peace and sanity would be to trust Him.
My favorite Christian band, Mercy Me, has a song on the radio right now called "Dear Younger Me." Indulge me as I quote the lyrics:
Dear younger meI have often had the same thoughts as this songwriter...what course corrections might I have made when I was younger if I only knew then what I know now?
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,
Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Who I am today is made up of what I was and did yesterday. Is that all a part of God's plan?
Perhaps these questions and observations simply serve as a distraction. Yet there is comfort and peace in knowing that regardless of the zigs and zags life takes—the moments of deep grief and ache, and the moments of success and triumph—God holds it all in the palm of His hand, and He uses every bit of it to shape us, to form us into a vessel for His purpose.
The one thing I would be inclined to tell my younger self, is that no matter what the circumstance, you have the power to choose to live "as if"… Living with an "as if" mentality is powerful. Batterson cites a few vital "as ifs":
“Pray as if everything depended on God. Work as if everything depended on you.”
– Saint Augustine
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.”
– Albert Einstein
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can be and should be and he will become as he can be and should be.”
– Johann Wolfgang von GoetheIf my younger self had only understood the power of living life with this mentality, perhaps my faith would have grown stronger, quicker. Perhaps my prayer life would have been more grounded.
Perhaps...it may not be terribly productive to look back and allow condemnation to overtake one's self, but reflection and comparison of the past with the present can provide insight and help deepen wisdom. The Lord takes all things and works them together for our good (Romans 8:28).
I'm going to split this "As If Faith" segment into a few blog posts—I'm not sure how many. This portion of Batterson's book is powerful...as I just stated, living "as if" is itself quite powerful. It can be life-changing. I therefore want to really take some time with it. I hope you will stick with me as we explore the "as if" concept.
If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard
Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me
– Dear Younger Me, Mercy Me
Prayer
Father, I thank You that You do indeed hold every moment of our lives in the palm of Your hand. Thank You for the richness of this life lived following You. Thank You that I can cast every care upon You (1 Peter 5:7). Thank You that You collect every tear (Psalm 56:8) and every prayer (Revelation 5:8)...thank You that absolutely nothing of my life is wasted. What comfort, what peace, and what joy I take in this knowledge.
Lord, I lift up anyone who reads these words in this blog post. I pray for them, that if they, too, come to this subject from a place of deep pain, that You would bless them with the assurance of Your love and Your ability to use absolutely every circumstance, every moment from their past, every event of their present, to build a terrific purpose for their lives, to further Your kingdom, to see souls saved and people snatched from the fire (Jude 1:23). This is the greatest prayer that we have, that You would use us to usher people into Your kingdom, rescuing them from the coming wrath and an eternity without You.
I worship You, my Father, for You are holy, You are righteous, You are loving. You never, ever give up on us. You delight in us. Nothing in your economy is ever, ever wasted. You make our feet like the feet of a deer on high places. We are steadied in You. We are joyful in You. (Habakkuk 3:19)
Go before us in all our circumstances, making us more like You every day. Encourage the reader of these words. May these words be a fragrant offering to You, Lord. If there is any person who reads these words that does not know You and has not placed their faith and trust in you, I pray that they will recognize their need of You, and that they will come to you, fully submitting their life to You. I ask all these things in the precious name of Jesus, Amen.
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